And by that I mean precisely the opposite: never use only as directed. Had we used Bayer aspirin only as directed, we never would have discovered that it helps you survive a heart attack. Had we used compound UK-92,480 only as directed, it would have never become Viagra.

OK, you got me: if it’s flammable or life-saving, yes, please use only as directed. For everything else? All bets are off.

Video games: I’ll bet you don’t use them as directed. I bet you put Muhammad Ali in the red corner, another Muhammad Ali in the blue corner, input the invincibility cheat code and then play each controller with one foot while doing your math homework.

And I’ll bet you most certainly do not use your math homework as directed.

Do you use Q-Tips only as directed? I bet you don’t. I double-dog bet you. Read the package.

Shampoo: you lather and rinse, yes. But do you repeat?

I could go on and on, but the AR types are awaiting my relevance statement, so here it is. Musicians, please, do not use your instruments only as directed. Guitarists, take off the guitar strings and replace them with — I don’t know, hell, say — bass guitar strings. Or piano strings. Or actual strings. Or some coiled metal product thing you bought from the hardware store. Or rubber band segments. You say it’s all been done before? Fine: here’s something that hasn’t: uncooked pasta. (Don’t ask me how to do it, I’m the inspiration guy. The perspiration is up to you. But you can even have the name and the pitch: “Spaghettitar! Unique and edible since 2009!”)

Vocalists, please, do not use your instruments only as directed. Stop singing in English: invent your own language. Or sing into a drum. Or a bucket. Or a flute. You say it’s all been done before? Fine: sing underwater. Or sing half-above water and half-submerged. Mix and match: sing through a flute into a drum that is half-above water and half-submerged.

Drummers, please do not use your instruments only as directed. You have it the easiest. Anything is a drum. Anything is a drum stick. Yet somehow we always hear you complaining about how expensive your gear is. Wha-wha-WHA?! Just grab something from the kitchen. Or the guest bathroom. Go see Stomp for inspiration. While we’re at it, tell your guitarists and your vocalists to go see Stomp for inspiration. You say it’s all been done before? Take brief samples of a voice you hate and program them into your drum machine. Take your five least favorite beats from that session and let your bandmates pick their favorite. The most insulting or inflammatory the samples the better: “get” “bent” “getget” “bent.” I bet that ain’t been done before.

Music fans, please do not use only as directed. If I’ve seen it once on Myspace I’ve seen it ten thousand times “you guys are great, brilliant, genius, phenomenal, I’m naming my first eight kids and a new religion after you, please come play a gig in Buffalo.” Umm, needy much? There’s one reason they aren’t going Buffalo, and it’s you. Give constructive feedback. It’s not like they can use sagging record sales an indicator that their music needs improvement. Tell them. Directly.

Please use this blog post as directed.