LAST UPDATE: This post is over a year old. To read my ranting and moaning about the series finale, read Getting Lost.

So today we start with: What?!

OK, we get it. The whole thing has been a proxy war orchestrated by two overlords who can’t kill each other directly, the feud betwen whom dates back to ancient Egypt. (Oh, and, by the way? That’s pretty ancient.)

Overlord Jacob (OJ) pulls the puppet strings for the castaways and the others. As-yet-unnamed Overlord Moody Guy (OMG) pulls the puppet strings for — apparently — Benjamin Linus, and either does a fantastic! John Locke impression, or is a doppleganger. John Locke, always the swing vote, seems either to be a battleground state, or OJ really does have it under control.

Because while our tearful four Pushed the Button in the closing frame of season five, it defies imagining that ABC will commence season six POV Jack and crew, all systems go, back on the fateful Oceanic flight, jet-lagged and none the wiser. On the other side of the coin, it is also unlikely that ABC will commence season six without any characters. So OJ’s fate is tied to theirs. If he does not return, neither do they.

But again, you’re trying to tell us that OMG — who’s been looking for that “loophole” for 10,000 years — didn’t see all of this coming?

Let’s say that the “pocket of energy” explains the following (in TV World, none of this is a complete impossibility): time travel, Desmond’s consciousness travel, island hopping, polar bears, dinosaurs, hallucinations and premonitions, spontaneous healing, the fertility issues, and The Others’ magnificent intel. Let’s also put to the case that the OJ-OMG proxy war explains all pre-Oceanic flight coincidences. In other words, of course they all met before: it’s a small chessboard, and there aren’t many pieces.

Nevertheless, there are still some questions the creators must resolve in their last season, or subsequently release a companion motion picture (also not a complete impossibility). Some of these questions date back to Season One pilot episodes:

–What is the smoke monster and why does it appear to have a holographic DVD app?
–Who are the overlords and what exactly are their powers and what do they have to do with the price of tea in China? Why, in what appears to be the age of Cleopatra, do they speak like contemporary Western Civilization folk and use words like “loophole?”
–If “what’s done is done,” how will ABC explain Jack, Kate, Sawyer and whats-her-name surviving a hydrogen bomb detonation?
–Why doesn’t Richard age?
–Is John Locke, or isn’t he?
–On the return flight in, what exactly happened to Jack, Kate, Hurley, and Sayid that didn’t happen to Sun, Ben, and the other passengers and other members of the crew?
–Is the island anything more than just dirt, fauna, flora, and young unbathed hotties?
–What is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth regarding Hurley’s numbers and his bad luck?
–While we’re on the subject, is Hurley crazy, or is something/somebody/Somebody granting him visions?
–What’s the deal with Black Rock?
–Who is Aaron’s father?
–Was “the incident” responsible for the Oceanic crash? Or was the H-bomb detonation responsible?

(Did I miss any? Of course I did. Add your own in the comments.)

Wrapping all this up will be easy, right? Harrumph! The way the creators have approached conflict resolution so far is Four Steps Forward, Five Steps Back. It would seem unjust for season six to proceed any differently: I’m sure we all expect them to adhere to the principle of Dance With the One Who Brung You. So no matter what the production team says, I predict that a Cliffhanger To End All will conclude season six, and a film greenlight will follow some time in 2011.

And please, Mr. Screenwriters. If you wrap it all up with a film, no more back stories. We get it already. Every character is interesting and complex, in addition to smoking hot. I’ll watch all that self-indulgent clap-trap for free, but not if I’ve just paid eight bucks.

UPDATE: To answer your questions, yes there will be a sixth season of Lost. It should commence in January 2010.

UPDATE: This is interesting.

UPDATE: It seems that now we’re calling OMG Esau, and there is loose speculation that Esau is the smoke monster. By the way, since you asked, I’m trying to find the date that filming for Season Six will commence. UPDATE: One of you asked when filming for Season Six will commence. Not broadcast, mind you, but filming. This outdated spoiler suggests that filming for “The Incident, Part 2″ (aired May 13) was taking place on March 27. So if raw film footage requires some seven weeks to process before broadcast, you’re looking at December 2009 before filming begins. (Not November: I had written earlier that broadcast begins in January. Now I’m reading that it begins in February.)

UPDATE: Some questions I missed:

–Why is Danielle’s clothing and equipment primarily military in nature if her “routine expedition” was scientific/medical?
–Who are the dead bodies referred to by Locke as Adam and Eve?
–Why does DHARMA supply food with its own logo on it? Do they manufacture their own supplies?
–How did Locke’s father get on the island?